The answer lies in the child in front of you.
Hello!
I'm Sanka, principal and child coach at the global alternative school "Ousia School"!
The parenting book I'd like to introduce this time is "Words that develop children, words that actually negatively impact them," written by Amano, representative director of the NPO Parent-Child Communication Lab.
This book is an excellent Japanese book on how to talk to children, carefully selecting "truly effective words of encouragement" derived from the feedback of over 50,000 parents and children.
Today, I'd like to introduce three common situations in parent-child communication from the book, and what is OK and what is not!
When your child is playing games all the time, can you get them to stop without scolding them?
Bad example: If you play games all the time, you'll become stupid!
Mother: "If you play games all the time, you'll become stupid!"
Son: "I'm at the best part now, so don't interrupt me!"
Mother: "Stop it! You'll never be a good person!" Takes away the game
Son: "Hey! I was only halfway through! I'm going to be a pro gamer in the future, so it's fine!"
Mother: "What? A pro gamer?! There's no way I'll be!"
Son: (Why are you saying that... Stop asking for advice)
OK example: That's great! You're a genius! Let's do XX together when you clear it!
Mother: "Oh, you're playing a game. What kind of game are you playing?"
Son: "Hmm? It's a game called Mario Kart. Why?"
Mother: "I thought you had great concentration! Haha, I'm impressed."
Son: "This is fun! Look, he finished in first place!"
Mother: "Wow! That's amazing! Your son is good at everything he does!"
Son: "Hehe, this is a piece of cake for me." (Haha, he knows himself.)
Mother: "Okay! I'm going to clean the living room now, but it's going to require some heavy lifting, so I'm going to ask my son to help me."
Son: "Oh, sure." (I'll help my mother.)
summary：
It is important to speak from a child's perspective. How would you feel if someone forced you to "order, instruct, or intervene"?
Children are also mysterious creatures to adults. Even when you wonder "why are they doing something so confusing?", there is actually meaning to the child. Try to see things from a child's perspective and be conscious of looking at their world together.
If your child wants sweets before dinner, should you make them wait or give them to them?
Bad example: We agreed to only have one sweet!
Daughter: "Haha, I want some sweets!"
Mother: "Dinner is almost here, so not now!"
Daughter: "Sweets! Snacks! Sorry!"
Mother: "If you eat sweets now, you won't be able to eat your dinner."
Daughter: "No, no, no! Sorry!"
Mother: "Well, if you eat dinner properly, you can have some sweets, I promise!" → Brings dinner
Daughter: "Haha, I'm full."
Mother: (Ah, already!)
OK example: You must be hungry after playing a lot today. (Say this and give your child a nutritious snack.)
Daughter: "Haha, I want some sweets!"
Mother: "I see, you must be hungry after playing outside a lot today. I'm making a really delicious omelet rice! I'll give you some special corn. Tada!"
Daughter: "Wow! It looks delicious!!!"
Mother: "This is special corn! Don't tell dad, it's super nutritious!"
Daughter: "Corn is delicious!!!"
Mother: The omelet rice with this in it will be ready soon, so let's eat it together!"
summary：
Rather than banning sweets, it's important to find out what your child really wants and acknowledge it. They may just want attention, or they may want to annoy their parents and draw attention to themselves.
Children are attention seekers. They will use any means to get attention. That's why, instead of reacting to their behavior, try to think about what they really want.
Are there any other ways to deal with noisy children in restaurants or public places besides scolding them?
Examples of what not to do: Stop it! You can't make noise in restaurants!
Daughter: "Hey, haha, buy this! Buy it!"
Mother: "I'm not buying it today."
Daughter: "Hey, buy it! Buy it! I won't buy it unless you buy it!"
Mother: "Shut up! No noise in the store! Apologize to the people around you!"
Daughter: "No, no, no! Ugh..." (Begins crying and making a fuss)
Mother: "Ah, stop crying, I'm going!" (What should I do...)
OK examples: (To those around you) I'm sorry for the noise. (To a child) Let's talk in a low voice.
Daughter: "Hey, haha, buy this! Buy it!"
Mother: "Oh, so your daughter is interested in Mazinger Z and is excited about it! When you get home, tell your mother about Mazinger Z!" "Sorry for all the noise," she said to the people around her, and "We're inside the store, so let's shop while chatting a little quieter!"
Daughter: "Okay! Got it!"
summary：
Being right has no effect on children. Even if you explain common sense and rules to your child, they will take it as "They always criticize me..." and it will have the opposite effect.
First of all, it is important to "accept your child's current words and actions as they are."
These are just three of the 37 case studies in the book.
What did you think?
In your everyday interactions with your children,
were there any instances when you thought, "Oh, I'm doing that,"
or were there any situations that were a no-no?
I've summed up my realizations from reading the book in three points below.
Children are Kamacho aliens!
Children will use any means to get their parents' interest. Of course they are happy when they are praised, but they are also happy when they are scolded because it makes them feel that their parents are interested in them. In other words, the more angry you get, the more fuel you are adding to the fire, even though you think you are just pouring water on it. So I think it's important not to praise or get angry, but to simply "take an interest in your child and accept them as they are."
You need to have peace of mind
If you don't have peace of mind, you will inevitably want to control your child's words and actions. You don't want to create unnecessary trouble. However, doing so may lead to your child not being able to express their own opinions or be independent in the future. That's why it's important to first think about "What can I do to have peace of mind?"
Fighting against unknown creatures
Children are very interesting creatures. What are they thinking? What are they trying to do? They are completely unreadable creatures. And parents are fighting this unknown creature every day, using their brains to the fullest. It is a tough battle that requires a huge amount of effort.
But originally you were also an unknown creature. You were educated from elementary school to high school, instilled with so-called "common sense," and creative ideas were judged to be heretical, and the unknown creature eventually became a "social worker." This social worker already has biases, and decides the size of the box (range of activity) of this world for himself and tries to live within it.
However, children have not yet created such a box, so they easily behave and act outside the box of a "social worker." In other words, the only way to understand a child's behavior and words is to break the box or travel back in time to their childhood.
Breaking the box (removing your own biases) is very difficult. That's why it's important to take the stance of "accepting!" rather than thinking "I want to understand!" at first.
This concludes Sanka's explanation of "Words that develop children and words that actually negatively impact them"!
I hope this article was helpful in your parent-child communication!
Thank you for reading all the way to the end!
This blog is a small, selfish gift to my sister who is raising a 2-year-old boy (I haven't given her a birthday present yet, lol).
Seeing my sister struggling every day, I started typing away, hoping to be of some help.
At the same time, I myself work with children every day as the principal of Global Alternative School and as a child coach.
I am always looking for new knowledge and ideas to bring out the infinite potential of elementary school students.
This blog is a record of my support for my sister and my own learning. It is also an encouragement for all of you who are struggling with raising children in the same way.
I would be happy if we could create a bright future together!
I will continue to output explanatory articles on books that may be useful for raising children (especially how to talk to children)!
Please read this article, and if you found it useful, please leave a like or comment to encourage our activities!
We hope you will continue to support Sanka.
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